I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
