i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Randomize
