im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
