he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
