You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
