So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
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