Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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