Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
