Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
