My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
