Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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