why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I need water and some morals
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
