Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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