how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Randomize
