when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
