i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
the liver wants what the liver wants
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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