Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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