3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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