That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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