I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
