Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
