Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
