My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
