I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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