my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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