I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
