I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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