If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
