you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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