and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
