Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
