My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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