i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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