Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
