your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
