I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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