You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
