Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
