The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
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just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
i think i just lost a toe
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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