yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
