I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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