I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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