forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
