You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
