I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
