A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I came so hard my ears popped.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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