Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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