I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
