The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
They took my balls.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
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