I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
