I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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