it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
