Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
