Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize