There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
