He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
