I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
