remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
