im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
