My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
