just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Randomize
