he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
