wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
